It’s my grandma’s birthday and we’re out for dinner. She’s had a glass or two too much of white wine and is starting to lose her filter. She’s a happy drunk.
Well, ain’t you a dandy! I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.
First off, good luck. I have known me for quite some time and I still don’t get me. I still leave myself perplexed at the best of times. I am layers of thought. I am a wasteland of forgotten emotion. My heart beats as fast as my mind thinks. The two are locked in an eternal duel for the right to control me. Even now, I know not who leads me so boldly through life. I can only hope the destination is as interesting as the journey.
I won’t lie, you’re in for an interesting tale. I have seen much, felt more, and experienced things beyond my age. I tasted the death of a parent before a pet. I have seen more offices and credentials than most. I have seen grief counselors before I was in grade school. I have been in more schools than I can count on both hands: private, public, boarding, and homeschool all being one or another. I have had days off for finding a corpse in the school boiler room before I had a snow day. I have been beaten by others. I have beaten others. I lived in a town where I heard gangs shoot at each other and domestic violence was a common excuse for missing school. I’ve lived in a town where the arts are glorified and grades are all that matter. I have lived on a farm milking goats and herding llamas. I have performed as a singer at a music festival and I have worked behind the scenes of a concert. I have been a fashion model for a crowd of 2,500 people wearing a formal gown and six inch heels. I have strived for grades to make the honor roll and got a letter grade short of success. I have given up on my education and landed on the top grade percentages. I have been pursued. I have been denied. I have been in eight or so sports ranging from archery to Taekwondo. I have been a student. I have been a teacher. I have had days where I have been bursting with life. I have had months that I live smiling on the outside while I am altogether dead inside.
My life has not been easy. But I remember, it’s been interesting. I would love to hear it from the eyes of another. I want to hear your description of me. How do I talk? How is my demeanor? My influence on others? My appearance? I would die to know. If you write on me, I would love you forever. The beginning alone would be interesting; I would love to see what developed me to be who I am. Middles are my favorite; so much is behind to remember while there is a whole world still ahead. But the ending, that in itself is a story worth hearing. There are so many outlooks one can take when all loose ends meet. I can’t wait to see how it all ties together.
Yours in black and white
Well, you lucky duck! I hope you deserve it.
But really. I hope you deserve it. My love is no trivial thing. I take it seriously. Very much so. I don’t know what you have done to get even this far with me. For all I know, you are the man I marry. Regardless, know this: I believe in my value. I am a treasure. My heart is not easily won. I hope you have earned it.
I do not suspect you will be arriving anytime soon. The one I do like, I do not love. The last time our lips parted, I believe it was for good. This has left me lonely and craving someone to stand by my side and love me. But my desire has not weakened my expectations in a man, but rather strengthened them. This being said, I am willing to wait for the right man. I have hope he will court me and pursue me as a gentleman, fully understanding my worth. I hope this is you. I am willing to wait for the man who can kiss me and mean it. Whether it’s five months from now or five years or in between or far beyond, I will wait.
And I hope you are that man.
Surprise! You don’t exist! Well, more accurately that role no longer does. I am actually not jealous presently. But I have been. Oh, God knows I have been.
See, I was fueled by jealousy. And that jealousy fueled my self-hatred. It was a vicious cycle. It left me believing I would never be good enough. I envied so many. Girls who had long hair. Girls who boys liked. Anyone who had a father. Anyone who had confidence. In short, I envied everyone for some reason or another. And because of it I had the idea that they were all better than me.
But then it hit me. I would never be content in this state. Never. It would always leave me wanting, feeling unfulfilled and empty. So I stopped looking at what others had and focused on loving myself. I realized that I had the power to improve myself. So I did. I let myself try new things to boost my confidence. I gave up trying to mimic others in search for approval and instead focused on developing my own original personality. I stopped focusing on who around me liked me but instead started loving myself.
As for the people I was jealous of? Well, that changed as soon as I gained confidence in myself. I was no longer jealous. I rerouted my outlook. I no longer looked at people as an outline for me to fit but instead saw them as individuals, completely beautiful in their own unique way as I was. Whenever I feel jealous of someone, I compliment them. If a girl has the green eyes or the star-like freckles I always wanted, I tell her how beautiful they are. I don’t hold it in. I take that discomfort and turn it into someone else’s joy. Who knows? Maybe they need that assurance as I once did. It actually helps me feel more confident about myself.
See, one can never let themself be
loved by others if they are not loved by themself. So to those I was jealous of? Thank you. You inspire beauty in me. I wish you all the very best.
I THINK I LOVE YOU. Okay, let’s do it!